my vag is so smooth its legendary
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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