don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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