Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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