I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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