clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
