We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
