I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
