can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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