The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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