don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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