brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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