Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
