i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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