I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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