found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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