I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
