my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
