where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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