His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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