A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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