Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
