Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
