I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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