this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
