i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
