went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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