In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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