Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
