We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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