you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
