I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
