I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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