Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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