Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
