ya dads aren't the best wingmen
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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