i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
