this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
In America we eat man semen.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
