Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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