not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
two words...techno handjob
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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