If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
