Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
