Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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