u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
