I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
