I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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