OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
