I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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