Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Dick very happy bro
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
