k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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