I wannas sexs uuuuu
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.