Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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