You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
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I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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