What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
