dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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