Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
