got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
