You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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